Can.I.Help.You? aka I'm Not Scared

I need yall to see someone and then I'll get to the story.

Yes. SOMEONE.

So one night I went downstairs to the bodega to get a few munchies and as I stood in line I noticed this HUGE menacing dude as he entered. He looked JUST like the guy in the pic above.

So...wait...ok, never mind...

Again, in case you missed him

Like I said, I noticed him, but otherwise paid him no attention. I grabbed my usual bag(s) of Doritos, a few cookie-like items and as well as a handfull or three of Freedom Fries (are we still doing that?). Allegedly a couple of Twix's/Twixes/whatever somehow jumped in the bag, too, but  by  then I was ready. There was one woman ahead of me, then another behind me when the huge guy joined the line and stood behind the her. I noticed then that she was so short the guy could glare at me over her head. And glare he did.

I just wanna get my snacks, man

Now is the point in the story where you need to know a little more about me. I am 5 ft 11 in. At the time I was about 250 lbs. of PURE (imaginary) muscle. By imaginary I mean fat. And by muscle I am lying. I was straight up fat. I was also in fat denial. I wasn't fat, I was a professional pro-bono Doritos taste tester. Fat? Me? No, I was a quality control technician for Krispy Kreme. I was in the middle of a life-long quest to find the world's best snickerdoodle, but I wasn't fat. And even if my fatness was somehow debatable, one thing I DID know: I was far from fighting shape. Not that I'm a fighter, mind you. But there was this guy...

I like Cool Ranch. Are those Cool Ranch?

He was at least 6 ft 14 in. And he was STILL staring at me. He looked at my selections, then stared at me again. So, in my mind, I had a decision to make. Was I going to let this man stare me down in my own bodega? How am I going to let this monster of a man disrespect me in front of my Doritos? What could I say to my snickerdoodles to make it like it was before? I couldn't back down. Even if this dude was potentially a werewolf. Soooooooo I turned around and looked at him (over the lady's head) and said in my super deep voice "Can I help you?"  The little lady craned her neck to look up and see she was between 2 big Black guys and one looked like...well... I'm sure you remember by now, so I'll just continue. Once she saw her situation, she said, "Oh, my", and promptly got out of the line - leaving nothing between me and my nightmares. He stood motionless and then looked and nodded his head toward the counter when the cashier said it was my turn. I wasn't going to turn around, though, so I sort of backed up/moonwalked to the counter where the cashier then decided to talk to me about photography. Apparently there was some blog and he read something and wanted my opinion so why NOT ask me now? I mean... it's not like I was scared... right?

In times like these I take immense pride in being able to calm myself. (It's nothing amazing. Normally it involves lying like I just did when I said I take immense pride in being able to calm myself.) I calmly visualized myself moving as fast as I could short of running and tried to imagine how many steps it would take to get to the door. I moved  my  hand into my pocket to select my apartment door key and have it ready. It should take less than 14 steps and a twist of the wrist to be on my way and with both my apartment and the bodega doors between us, then I would be fine. Not too bad! But what in the world was taking so long? I said (still in my tough-guy voice) "Speed it up, yo" The cashier was doing his best turtle (not ninja) impression, but he sped up as he finished bagging my stuff. He was handing me my change when I realized the monster of a man behind me was only purchasing water. ONE item. After I made the cashier move even faster. That all-of-a-sudden-now-you're-in-a-hurry bastard! Now I'm standing here thinking all this to myself. And the guy is still staring. I should be halfway to my couch. 

I turned and moved like Steve Austin (not Stone Cold, you youngsters - the Bionic Man (I know I did because I heard that nu nu nu nu nun sound)) out of the bodega doors, and in 2 seconds flat with one motion my key was in the lock, turning and opening the door when I finally felt hot breath on my neck. I fully expected to turn around and see this:

No, no, no. Can I Help YOU!!

I said a quick "OHLAWDTHISDUDEISGONNAKILLMEANDEATMYDORITOSTOO" prayer and decided to go out like a man, face the  music  and confront the source of my fear. I slowly turned to see the same behemoth from the store now less than a foot away from my face. He looked me up and down as I asked even louder, "Can. I. Help. You?"

He finally started to speak and said, "Hey, brother, I noticed you don't have any fruit or anything healthy in your bag. And you also look kind of soft in the middle. I'm a personal trainer and if you ever want to start getting in shape, let me know. We've gotta stick together, brother! Here's my card." 

He shook my hand after handing me the card. It felt like shaking hands with the pavement.

He walked away, I went inside, made it to the couch, sat down and LMAO (laughed my a-- off)

Did I mention he had the voice of a 5 year old girl?

You're welcome. 

More to come. Stay close and stay tuned!